The Difference Between Mummy and Daddy

I mentioned in my first blog that Milly spent time in the NICU, partly to spend time in an incubator to regulate her temperature, but critically to give her support while her body learned to tolerate food.  It is this that I want to elaborate on at the start of this weeks blog.  When she was born, Milly did a good job of fooling the doctors and nurses.  It is apparently common for premature babies to have a 'honeymoon' couple of hours, in which they appear to be coping well in their new surroundings, until the the shock of being evicted from the Mother's womb kicks in.  Milly was no exception to this.  I said that she did a good job of fooling the doctors and nurses, a big part of this was that she immediately urged to suck.  This reflex is something that many babies don't learn until a week later in gestation, but Milly had it cracked, and when we went to the NICU to get her checked, I was allowed to give her the first bottle of her life.  Now the problem with young Milly was that her eyes were bigger than her belly, and everything that she took was soon sicked up.  This happened again and again through the evening, and the doctors decided that her gut just wasn't ready to cope with feeding in this way, hence she was put on a drip and had the NG tube inserted.


The reason I have gone back to our time in the NICU so soon is so I can talk about the role that Elaine played in getting Milly fit and strong.  As long as I have known Elaine, she has been firm in her belief that breast feeding was not for her, as it is not for many women.  For Elaine, the thought of it was a most unappealing one.  I have always believed that it is a very personal decision, and since neither me nor my brother were breast fed, I had no strong feelings on the matter and was happy for Milly to be bottle fed, and support Elaine in whatever she decided to do.  We did both agree, however, that it would be unwise to rule it out completely as views change after birth.  As it turned out, this was not the case.  


Now the official line, when it comes to breast feeding, is that 'Breast is Best', this is certainly the message communicated by the World Health Organization and the Health Department.  The message is so strong, in fact, that the topic is not allowed to be debated in public, everyone has to toe-the-line.  With this in mind, I was not surprised when we were asked at the hospital if we had considered breast feeding, as breast milk contains everything that Milly's body was crying out for, would line her stomach, and give her immune system a boost that would last her for life.  The bottom line was that breast milk would help Milly to tolerate bottle feeding, and give her a kick start.  Elaine didn't need to hear anymore, she decided that she would start expressing milk and, with the support of the NICU nurses, began producing the milk that would get Milly's digestive system going.  It is important to stress that this decision was not a change of heart (Elaine would often refer to the process as 'cowing', and never felt comfortable doing it), but it was one that Elaine felt was necessary to give our little girl every chance that she could.  For me, taking action that you don't want to, and that makes you feel uncomfortable, to help another, could be considered heroic.  It is definitely what everyone would consider being a great Mummy!!!  I'm sure Milly will!


Up to yet, this seems an obvious difference between Mums and Dads (as pert as my man boobs are, I don't think I'll be producing any milk any time soon!!), but something else has occurred to me this week.  The relationship that Elaine and I have, meant that I never felt like I wasn't a part of the pregnancy, getting plenty of kicks in the evenings, and Elaine constantly telling me where Milly had moved to in her womb.  Milly even began to recognise my voice, moving to whichever side of Elaine I was.  Despite this, there was/is a level of connection that I cannot understand, it can make sense to me on an intellectual level, but emotionally I struggle to come to terms with it.  Since Milly has come home, I have loved the chance to interact with her, being around for all her feeds, changing her, giving her a bath, settling her down to sleep, and just being able to look upon her whenever I want.  This is infinitely better for me, her life has started and I can play a full part.  For Elaine, however, there are times when she misses Milly being securely tucked away inside her.  Part of this comes from delivering 6 weeks early, Elaine's body didn't prepare itself for delivery, and so she has described the experience as having Milly taken from her.  As such, there have been periods where Elaine has been upset at not being able to feel Milly moving, and knowing exactly what she is up to.  I am afraid that I have failed to deal with these situations very well, suggesting that Elaine can just go and pick up Milly and have a cuddle, without fully understanding what it is that Elaine is missing.  I do think that I am starting to get there though!!


Maybe that is one of the differences between Mums and Dads.  For a Mum, the birth of a child, especially in the circumstances of Milly's arrival, feels like losing a special connection that is built up over the period of the pregnancy, and that has to be regained with the baby in person.  For a Dad, the day of the birth is the point where the conceptual becomes real, you can put a face to the name, and touch them for the first time.  I might be completely wrong, but thinking about it this way is helping me support Elaine better...well try to!!!


As for Milly.  She is going from strength to strength.  She was weighed on Friday and has reached 4lb 12oz. That is 8oz in 4 days.  She has started to grow out of some of her clothes, and is now wearing proper newborn size nappies.  Good Girl!!!