4 Weeks Gone

Today is Milly’s 4 week birthday.  It is also the start of my final week of paternity leave.  By the time I go back to work next Monday, I will have actually had 5 weeks off, 3-and-a-half of which have been at home with our family unit complete.  At this point, I should comment on how well I have been supported by my manager, who made it clear that I could take all the time I needed and ensured that I, in no way, felt under any pressure to return to work sooner.  This allowed me to take 2 extra weeks while Elaine and Milly were in the hospital.  It was always my intention to take 3 weeks when Milly was born, I looked forward to being able to spend the time getting to know our daughter, and learn about how to take care of her.  However, this changed with Milly’s early arrival and her subsequent stay in the NICU.

When any close family member is in hospital, there is a natural stress that is born out of worry.  This was certainly the case when Elaine was admitted, and the feeling intensified when Milly arrived.  There is also a stress that comes from the practicalities of supporting someone during their stay in hospital.  Being torn between wanting to spend every available moment with them at the hospital, offering comfort and just generally trying to ease the mundanity of the situation, and taking care of the everyday things.  These include some of more selfish considerations (at least what I felt were selfish) like making sure I found time to eat and get plenty of sleep, not to mention the washing and ironing!!!  For Elaine and I, this stress lasted for 3 weeks, from Elaine going into hospital, to Milly coming home.  It is important to make clear that I’m not talking about this to tell everyone how hard it has been, on the contrary, I think that this experience made it easier for Elaine and I to cope when Milly eventually came home.  In comparison to the constant worry while Milly was in the NICU, the last 3 weeks at home have felt like a holiday.  We have still had to get used to everything that new parents contend with, feeding patterns, disrupted sleep, the variety of grunts and whimpers that are produced, maintaining a constant room temperature, but we have been able to take it all in our stride, because it genuinely feels easier.

Which brings me to my paternity leave.  Since bringing Milly home, we have been in complete control of Milly’s care, sounds like an obvious statement but it is something that we don’t take for granted.  Our days are filled with feeding Milly, changing her, washing her, and making sure she gets enough rest.  For the first few days, it was hard to see how we could get anything else done in the day, but it slowly started to fall into place and, not only did we begin to get to grips with our own chores, but we have been able to find time to relax and top up our own energy reserves.  This is why I am glad that I have been able to take such a big chunk of time off.  It has meant that Elaine and I have been able to figure out this stuff together, allowing Elaine the time to properly recover from the Cesarean, and us both to start to understand Milly’s needs, and how to meet them.  From this, we have both began to gain the confidence to look after Milly on our own, and be able to organise ourselves to ensure that doing so is as straight forward as possible.  I am in no doubt that had I taken paternity leave from the day Milly was born, we would not have this confidence, and I would have missed out on so much!

In these 3 weeks, I have been able to watch Milly develop and grow.  She has gone from a baby who would need some encouragement to wake for a feed, to one who now wakes us up to tell us to get her bottle ready.  She has also to began to have longer ‘awake’ periods where she is no longer satisfied with being put straight back down after a feed, especially when there are lights to be stared at or TV to be watched!!  We have also been able to discern a definite difference between the ‘feed me’ cry, and the ‘I want attention now’ grunt.  Though it is pretty great when this becomes more persistent when she sees us.  It has become pretty clear that Milly now recognises us, and feels safe with us.  I know that there is a natural bond between babies and their parents (recognising Mummy’s smell and Daddy’s voice from birth) but this has become intensified in the last week, and the way she looks at us suggests that there is a clear sense that she knows who we are.  To think that I might have missed all of this is a thought that saddens me, but one that tells me to make the most of my last week at home with my girls!!

The Difference Between Mummy and Daddy

I mentioned in my first blog that Milly spent time in the NICU, partly to spend time in an incubator to regulate her temperature, but critically to give her support while her body learned to tolerate food.  It is this that I want to elaborate on at the start of this weeks blog.  When she was born, Milly did a good job of fooling the doctors and nurses.  It is apparently common for premature babies to have a 'honeymoon' couple of hours, in which they appear to be coping well in their new surroundings, until the the shock of being evicted from the Mother's womb kicks in.  Milly was no exception to this.  I said that she did a good job of fooling the doctors and nurses, a big part of this was that she immediately urged to suck.  This reflex is something that many babies don't learn until a week later in gestation, but Milly had it cracked, and when we went to the NICU to get her checked, I was allowed to give her the first bottle of her life.  Now the problem with young Milly was that her eyes were bigger than her belly, and everything that she took was soon sicked up.  This happened again and again through the evening, and the doctors decided that her gut just wasn't ready to cope with feeding in this way, hence she was put on a drip and had the NG tube inserted.


The reason I have gone back to our time in the NICU so soon is so I can talk about the role that Elaine played in getting Milly fit and strong.  As long as I have known Elaine, she has been firm in her belief that breast feeding was not for her, as it is not for many women.  For Elaine, the thought of it was a most unappealing one.  I have always believed that it is a very personal decision, and since neither me nor my brother were breast fed, I had no strong feelings on the matter and was happy for Milly to be bottle fed, and support Elaine in whatever she decided to do.  We did both agree, however, that it would be unwise to rule it out completely as views change after birth.  As it turned out, this was not the case.  


Now the official line, when it comes to breast feeding, is that 'Breast is Best', this is certainly the message communicated by the World Health Organization and the Health Department.  The message is so strong, in fact, that the topic is not allowed to be debated in public, everyone has to toe-the-line.  With this in mind, I was not surprised when we were asked at the hospital if we had considered breast feeding, as breast milk contains everything that Milly's body was crying out for, would line her stomach, and give her immune system a boost that would last her for life.  The bottom line was that breast milk would help Milly to tolerate bottle feeding, and give her a kick start.  Elaine didn't need to hear anymore, she decided that she would start expressing milk and, with the support of the NICU nurses, began producing the milk that would get Milly's digestive system going.  It is important to stress that this decision was not a change of heart (Elaine would often refer to the process as 'cowing', and never felt comfortable doing it), but it was one that Elaine felt was necessary to give our little girl every chance that she could.  For me, taking action that you don't want to, and that makes you feel uncomfortable, to help another, could be considered heroic.  It is definitely what everyone would consider being a great Mummy!!!  I'm sure Milly will!


Up to yet, this seems an obvious difference between Mums and Dads (as pert as my man boobs are, I don't think I'll be producing any milk any time soon!!), but something else has occurred to me this week.  The relationship that Elaine and I have, meant that I never felt like I wasn't a part of the pregnancy, getting plenty of kicks in the evenings, and Elaine constantly telling me where Milly had moved to in her womb.  Milly even began to recognise my voice, moving to whichever side of Elaine I was.  Despite this, there was/is a level of connection that I cannot understand, it can make sense to me on an intellectual level, but emotionally I struggle to come to terms with it.  Since Milly has come home, I have loved the chance to interact with her, being around for all her feeds, changing her, giving her a bath, settling her down to sleep, and just being able to look upon her whenever I want.  This is infinitely better for me, her life has started and I can play a full part.  For Elaine, however, there are times when she misses Milly being securely tucked away inside her.  Part of this comes from delivering 6 weeks early, Elaine's body didn't prepare itself for delivery, and so she has described the experience as having Milly taken from her.  As such, there have been periods where Elaine has been upset at not being able to feel Milly moving, and knowing exactly what she is up to.  I am afraid that I have failed to deal with these situations very well, suggesting that Elaine can just go and pick up Milly and have a cuddle, without fully understanding what it is that Elaine is missing.  I do think that I am starting to get there though!!


Maybe that is one of the differences between Mums and Dads.  For a Mum, the birth of a child, especially in the circumstances of Milly's arrival, feels like losing a special connection that is built up over the period of the pregnancy, and that has to be regained with the baby in person.  For a Dad, the day of the birth is the point where the conceptual becomes real, you can put a face to the name, and touch them for the first time.  I might be completely wrong, but thinking about it this way is helping me support Elaine better...well try to!!!


As for Milly.  She is going from strength to strength.  She was weighed on Friday and has reached 4lb 12oz. That is 8oz in 4 days.  She has started to grow out of some of her clothes, and is now wearing proper newborn size nappies.  Good Girl!!!

Earlier than expected!!!

Well, I guess I'd better start at the beginning.  The thought of creating a blog about my experiences as a first-time  dad, through the first year of my daughters life, is something that occurred to me as a way of creating a diary that maybe Milly could one-day read.  It also occurred to me that this is not in the least bit original, or is it ever likely to be read by anyone really!!!  But yet here I am, 17 day-old baby asleep in her Moses basket, and me tip-tapping away about what has happened over that last few weeks.


In truth, I need to go back a little further than that.  On a routine 25 week Midwife appointment my Wife, Elaine, had elevated blood pressure.  After a few unplanned hospital appointments, and with a head full of information on the dangers of pre-eclampsia (http://www.patient.co.uk/health/Pregnancy-Pre-Eclampsia.htm), things stabilised, and the pregnancy continued without complications until we reached week 33.  After exactly one-day of maternity leave, Elaine's blood pressure went up, and was subsequently admitted to hospital to be constantly monitored.  Doctors explained that their aim was to strike a balance between keeping Elaine safe and allowing Milly the longest possible gestation.  For me, I always felt that everything would turn out OK, but I realise now that that was based on a blend of 2-parts ignorance, and 1-part denial.  We eventually reached 33 weeks + 6 days (hospital speak for Milly's pre-birth age), and Milly was born at 14.52, weighing 4lb 3oz.


As Milly was placed in my arms in the operating theater, I remember feeling relieved.  Milly had been born safely (the Doctors all filled us with confidence about how well she looked), and Elaine had been treated for her condition (the cure for pre-eclampsia is delivery) and could begin her recovery.  As I held her, I was amazed by how long she was.  Not at all what I was imagining a premature baby would look like.  I accompanied Milly to the NICU (Neo Natal Intensive-Care Unit), where she would spend the next 10 days, as her body learned to tolerate feeding (with the aid of a tube up her nose) and her own body temperature (with the aid of an incubator).  It becomes hard to hear that your daughter is doing well in these circumstances, surrounded by monitors that constantly beep, and seeing tubes going places that look uncomfortable.  It took us a couple of days to accept that Milly was there to grow, and not because she was sick, but we eventually took a guilty solace in the fact that there were babies in far worse condition than Milly.  A truly heartbreaking fact in all honesty!!  But Milly was a trooper, not one to be missing out on the world she had entered, she quickly turned a corner, progressing faster than her Doctors anticipated (pulling out both her cannula and nasal tube on her own).  After spending a couple of nights on the ward with Milly, we were allowed to bring her home.  For the first time, we had our family together, on our terms, and without the safety-net of a team of nurses and doctors to help us out!!!


The experience of the NICU has had a number of pros and cons:

• PROS: we were able to get used to a feeding and changing routine; we received "parent crafting" (training on bathing, feeding, resuscitation, sterilizing, calculating feed amounts etc,); all things that we wouldn't have if Milly had gone straight to the maternity ward.  Each experience we had prepared us for looking after Milly on our own, and I certainly feel I have coped better at home because of them.  
• CONS: While in the NICU, Milly's development had to monitored.  This meant that we became very aware of the amounts of milk that Milly was taking.  The danger for a premature baby is that they get tired while feeding.  If they get tired, they don't feed.  If they don't feed, they burn their fat stores to heat themselves.  If this happens, they get tired.  The most vicious of circles!!  Not only did we become  aware of how much Milly had to have at each feed, we were conscious not to take too long, as she needed to rest before the next feed.  The nights we stayed with Milly in the NICU, we had sole responsibility for looking after her.  Suddenly, Milly's feeding chart became a score board that was adding pressure on us, each blip upon which felt like a failure on our part.  Despite the reassurances of the staff, this was a feeling that has been hard to shake, and we still keep a record of each feed!!!

We have been home for a week now, I will not complain about sleepless nights (I get plenty in between feeds at the moment) as I consider myself a realist, and Milly has been very good so far.  We have had plenty of visitors of a professional capacity, Midwives, Health Visitors, NICU home visit.  Each visit has reassured us that we are doing a good job, and Milly reached the landmark of passing her birth-weight on Monday, which took away some of the pressure of feeding amounts (not that it has ever really been a problem - like I said PARANOIA!!).  Each day, Milly becomes more alert, making us laugh with the variety of noises emanating from her Moses basket, and the faces she pulls.  I finally feel like I am getting to know our little girl, and even better, she is getting to know us.  The one thing that I wasn't prepared for was the pure joy of being able to rock her to sleep in my arms.  I would happily spend hours doing that!!

Well, I think that has got us up-to-date.  If anyone has read this far, I apologize for boring you.  My aim with this blog is to simply chart my feelings and experiences over this first year.  I plan to do this once a week, but we'll see how it goes!!  So for now, that's all folks!!!